These Toilets Are Weird

Tomorrow marks a week since I have arrived in Ireland. So far I have yet to meet my visa true love, who will save me from the impending doom of returning to a land run by Emperor Trump love doc martens and U2 as much as myself. However, I did go into Dublin this past Saturday in search for my visa true love Bono, and while I did not find this amazing creature on my safari, I did enjoy spending some time wandering the city including a trip to the Guinness storehouse and a fun pub playing trad music in Temple Bar. This week is syllabus week, meaning that I’m not actually sure what classes I’ll be taking or how my life will be lived here yet, so until something mildly interesting happens I’ll just fill you guys in on some of the weird quirks of this place.

  1. Toilets.

These toilets are weird as hell. It takes two flushes to fill up the bowl with water, and then a third flush to make your bodily fluids and excrement go down the drain. All of the toilets here are like this, and it is rather a pain.

Another strange bathroom quirk is the fact that my shower has no floor basin. Meaning, my entire washroom floor is literally also the floor of my shower. My shower is also really close to the toilet, so I could probably bathe while using the toilet if I wanted too.

Every time I go to the bathroom it is an experience unlike any that I have endured in the States.


  1. Men
*Real life photo of an *actual NUIM student taking a cheeky swim in the river downtown. It is a known fact that hot Irish guys swim in rivers, and never button their shirts. This is not a photo of Colin Farrell

There are men at this school. There are men in this town. There are men in this country. Did you hear that? Men. As in, plural; more than one male. As in, males I have not known half of my life. As in, males whose criminal records I have yet to find out.

I did not realise how “small town, small school” girl I was until I walked across campus and nearly died of a heart attack from a mild form of social anxiety. I did not see one person I knew. I saw many cute guys with accents. It was a life changing experience.

As an aside: Irish people just smell better than Americans. Every person here is heavily perfumed with the scent of class. Is it weird that I am noticing when someone walking near me smell delightful? Most definitely. I am a creep, this has been long established. I want to know where everyone gets their perfume, because I feel like I probably smell like something weird; like butter. Or bacon.

  1. Weekends
Here is a picture of me in my clubbing outfit. See the exposed wrists and no turtleneck? This was taken after a crazy binger where I did five cans of Coke (Cola) and then sat on this turtle for an insta without bothering to check to see if I was even allowed to sit on the statue. It was legendary, you can even see the adrenaline in my eyes.

No one goes out on weekends here. The nights to be out on the town are apparently Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. Local ladies will put on a full face, crop top, and heels just for a crazy monday night. I like to have a good time, but I’d never really consider myself a party person, so I can hardly imagine what my Tuesday morning classes will be like when half of my classmates are recovering from just being on the piss. I really do not understand this facet of the youngin’s nightlife culture.

Also, I do not know if this is just in Dublin and the greater Dublin area, but only 21+ are allowed into bars and clubs on weekend nights. Luckily this is not an issue for me, since I am an old cow – but it makes no logical sense to me as why this is a rule.

  1. I (synonym for ‘fucking’)  love this place
Fitzgerald’s Castle (the castle itself actually goes by something else but I cannot remember it. I want to say it was something like “Grenadine” or “Grenade”.)

I am so close to everywhere Michael Collins and his lads lived and changed history, and this fact makes me wake up screaming like a fangirl every morning. There is so much of my favourite history everywhere around me. Also, people here have watched Ballykissangel before. There is cadbury everywhere. I can literally eat like a normal human being for the first time in forever. I straight up bought a yummy chicken pot pie that was gluten free. GLUTEN FREE CHICKEN PIE. I REPEAT GLUTEN FREE CHICKEN PIE. PREMADE. Today I ate gluten free jaffa cakes and jammy wheels. I’ve probably gained 900 pounds since I’ve left home just because there is food here that I can eat that doesn’t taste like crumbly cardboard.

There’s so many nice gardens and walking trails. Yesterday I walked a few miles down this misty tree lined avenue to a georgian estate which had a lake, a river, and even more trails that I did not have time to explore. Again, back to the history thing; there’s so much history and cultural heritage here that I actually care about, and *some of the people over here care about as well. THERE’S A CASTLE ON MY CAMPUS.

  1. Every dog I have seen is the cutest
My dog dressed as David S Pumpkins. My dog is the cutest dog on the planet and probably in the galaxy. Fact.

Every dog I have seen is the cutest dog in the whole world in my mind. This is probably because my dog back home is the cutest dog in the world, and I miss him. Therefore, I have having dog withdrawal. My goal this semester is to make some friends with a pack of fat dogs. I have never felt what other females refer to as “baby fever” but I’d imagine that it is something kind of like the feeling I have towards dogs right now. Everytime I see a dog I want to pet it. Everytime I hear a dog bark, I think, “I wish that was my dog”. And every time I see a particularly fat dog waddle around campus or town I nearly lose my mind because that dog is the cutest dog and I miss my dog.




Author: Savannah Rives

Savannah Rives is a young hot professional (waitress) who enjoys amusing herself with fart jokes and crying into bowls of ramen while filling out FAFSA paperwork. Rives is also a third year Writing Studies major at EMU, amateur comedian, and a bit of a hipster.

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